Why I returned to blogging

Well-well-well, what do we have here…

You know, when I nuked my blog in 2020, I wasn’t thinking about coming back. But I did. On two occasions, to be precise. Once in the spring of 2021, on the same familiar platform, to leave some of the “wisdom” I had gained in the class of Viktor Vakhshtayn. And one more time in the autumn of the same year but on a new platform and in a new format. The reason why I returned the second time is unclear even to me. My guess it was done out of habit. But now that I think about it, 2021 had a lot of downtime and I was in a permanent standby position for the Japanese borders to open. So, to fill the time and to battle some inner anxiety, I turned back to blogging. Things changed a bit from spring 2022, when I finally reached Japan. Instead of writing, I made vlogs. They were rare but continued until spring 2023. After that, I got swept away by a tsunami called love and needed some time to recover. But even after finding inner peace I did not come back to blogging or vlogging. Partially because I started a full-time job in spring 2024 and did not have—or even wanted to spend—time on sharing things from my life to other people. It also felt like I needed to spend some time with myself and decide what I want to do in my life from now on.

I acquired most of my Japanese knowledge in 2020 from watching anime, playing video games, and reading novels. While consuming various media, I would take note of messages, lessons, and meanings behind certain works. Try to take them for what they are. The class of Viktor Vakhshtayn that I took in autumn 2020 enhanced this perception, not only of media, but of everything around me. At the same time, I came to know a YouTube video essayist called TheGamingBritShow. The way he viewed his subjects—video games—was very close to how Viktor Vakhshtayn talked about reality. Highly analytical and detached. I got inspired and decided in 2021 to make analysis videos of my own. Later, as my level of Japanese increased, I even thought of writing and speaking in the target language as I saw a huge lack of such highly analytical content on Japanese YouTube. However… that never happened. Every time I tried and sat down with a fictional work to analyze or review it, I would get sick. Not enjoying myself, not enjoying the media itself. In spring 2023, I finally realized this is not what I want to do. That is not how I want to engage with fictional media. There has to be another way. After the tsunami called love passed and I recovered, it was time to face my relationship with fictional media. It felt like I needed to spend some time with myself and decide what I want to do in my life from now on.

I graduated from university in summer 2020. My initial plan was to go to a graduate school in Japan right away but COVID-19 delayed the dream. In the meantime I decided to study Japanese. My parents also suggested to take some more university courses while I was waiting. That is how I ended up in Viktor Vakhshtayn’s class. His teachings changed how I view everything around me forever. 2020 was packed with so many discoveries and lessons, I had to spend the whole next year processing the previous one. In that sense, 2021 had a lot of downtime and felt much less eventful. On the other hand, I got to spend a lot of time with my family. For I was to leave my home country to Japan someday. That “someday” came in spring 2022. Everything I have learnt from anime, video games, novels, and media—all the messages, lessons, and meanings I derived from them—were to be put to the test alongside my Japanese language skills. Needless to say, it was a huge success. But coming to the graduate school was only half the master plan. It would be meaningless if I failed to find a job and was forced to return to my home country. Things took a sudden turn after spring 2023. Instead of aiming for big cities like Tokyo or Osaka, I made a decision to stay in the countryside. After landing a job, it seemed like I could finally face myself and my inner struggles. It definitely felt like I needed to spend some time with myself and decide what I want to do in my life from now on.

The first big decision was reviving my YouTube channel. How I reached that decision is outlined in a blog post called Sagrado Concepto: Revisited. In short, I used it as a trigger to start enjoying video games and anime again. It successfully fulfilled its function and now my relationship with fictional media is not entirely dependent on the activity of my YouTube channel.

What does this exactly mean?

Initially, I revived my YouTube channel to give myself a reason to enjoy video games and anime without feeling guilty. Creating X number of covers per month would leverage Y amount of guilt from consuming fictional media. That was the plan. However, quite quickly it became apparent that the number of covers needed to be produced to deal with the amount of guilt that I was feeling was too high to maintain on a monthly basis. In the past, this would have been a tragedy, as we would have been back to square one of having to find a reason to enjoy video games and anime again. But somehow this time was different.

I look back into 2017-2018, years when I was most content with life. It was highlighted by three things: fictional media, my YouTube channel, and my blog. Bringing back my YouTube channel solved my relationship with fictional media. However, I still felt like there was a gap. A desire inside of me to share my thoughts and my life with the world. …With the world? As it stands, all of my previous blogs and vlogs were available to a very limited group of people. This is my first time going public. And my first time writing in English. My first idea actually involved a separate YouTube channel where I would publish content much different from accordion covers found on my main channel. But after much consideration, I decided to use a blog. Because it felt right.

…It might sound like I am getting nostalgic about old times and desperately trying to recreate them. And you know what? I am not going to deny that. But there is so much more to it than that. My struggle of finding a reason/excuse to enjoy fictional media was real. I am also a different person from who I was 6-7 years ago. The circumstances and the people around me, as well as the place I live changed dramatically.

The blog I was writing in 2016-2020 was my oasis, my sancturay, a bonfire, if you will. I am scared to go public. However, I need it. Because I am not content with writing to a limited group of people anymore. That is why I am here.

This is Atlas’ Journey. Feel free to listen to it and… enjoy.