What I needed was not blogging

It is crazy how much can change in such short span of time. The more I look into my past, present, and future self, the more revelations I get it.

Blogging was not it. Even though I thought it was, loudly proclaimed in the previous post. I thought blogging was the final piece of puzzle. That once the holy trinity is revived, then everything will be solved and feel “right” again.

But the root of the problem was in a different place.

I thought that the blog I was writing in 2016~2019 was my life with a very limited group of people (=friends). And it was that to an extent. But I forgot that the overwhelming portion of that blog involved me talking about games and anime I’ve consumed. Punctuating the end of the consumption of each title. It was me highlighting that I have finished another title and now I am one step closer to realizing the Cultural Plan. That is why I kept repeating that I did not care if anyone was even reading my blog. I was writing it for myself as a way to keep track of the progress I was making on a regular basis.

This.

This is what I have been craving.

A goal towards which I can be making progress on a regular basis.

• That is what kept me playing so many games and watching so much anime in 2016-2019.
• With covers, I had a dream of becoming a full-time YouTuber.
• Japanese language? I don’t even need to mention it.
• These days I am regularly working out because I have a meme goal of attaining a physique of a Greek statue.

But all of these were/are real. And with all of these I was/am desperate to a certain degree. To the degree that I feel the need to make progress on a regular basis. It’s effortless for me.

What I was looking for is a goal I can become desperate about, so that I make progress on a regular basis.

In the past it was easy because I was not thinking much about outcomes and methods of achieving the goal. That led to current state of things where I have 2 fails and 1.5 successes. When you have this kind of history, it is impossible to not become cautious. You constantnly over-think your next “big” goal and ways of achieving it. Will it work out? Will I get lucky again? What if I don’t like it? What if I get side-tracked?

All of these are your most normal things to worry about. But they have been a big stop sign for me for a long time now.

After a whole day of simply talking to myself, doing hardcore retrospection, analyzing all possible outcomes and possibilities, I feel like I finally landed on something I can truly pursue.

It is not even about “getting desperate” about something. This expression makes it sound like you can control it. To an extent, you can. I am a firm believer that you can influence your internal energy to insane degrees. But there has to be some natural internal drive.

…

I am not going to disclose what conclusion I came to. Only time will show if it’s a valid one.